Paying Dowry: Is it one of the backward dinosaur traditions that needs to die?

(Does technology have an impact on human behavior and “culture”?)

This is 2014! Look around Kenyans! The world has changed. I am 31yrs old, and I can say this: This world is not the same as the world that my grandparents lived in, neither is it even the same as my young parents grew up in. For example, I have a 5 inch Android phone with internet connection and access to something called “Google”. Anyone who thinks that that’s an oversimplification should take a minute and digest the meaning and implications of access to Google on a 5 inch high definition screen (where I am typing this). Just think for a minute. DOES TECHNOLOGY HAVE AN IMPACT ON CULTURE?

Okay, lets me not get carried away with the technology argument this early. Let’s stick with what’s on the title: DOWRY AND BRIDE PRICE.

Per my definition, and the definitions I will use for this post, dowry and bride price are both “payments” made during the signing of a marriage contract. (Yes, I said payment ….. Don’t give me none of that “appreciation/ friendship/ symbolic gesture” politically correct crap … these things are payments!).

Technically, dowry is paid by the woman to the man’s family (kind of like a send-off gift given to the woman to start her family). And bride price is paid by the man to the woman’s family (for reasons that we are about to explore). But for Kenyan purposes, Dowry is paid by the man to the woman’s family and bride price does not exist.

So …. The big question is this. Why do men make the payment?

The answer is actually very simple: Because of pressure from society to conform to a behavior pattern (tradition) whose origin no one has ever thought to dig up. TRADITION IS THE REASON DOWRY IS PAID IN KENYA.

Traditions are just a set of behavior patterns that are deemed necessary by a given society for the sake of their peace, stability and progress. TRADITIONS ARE VERY IMPORTANT FOR THE SURVIVAL OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE.

But here is another big questions: Can traditions change?

I am getting carried away again, so let me get focused.

BTW, let me say this before I go far … These arguments am putting forward affect me directly. I am a first born son with three younger sisters all in their twenties!!! Historically I would celebrate, since all my sisters are highly educated and have shown themselves to be very intelligent. I would celebrate because for each one of them I would be getting a lot of cows, money and gifts. I say “me” and not my parents because historically, since I am the eldest and an only son, the task of negotiations (and intimidating the suitors) would have been delegated to me …. But I am no hyena, and I am not celebrating.

Here’s why:

Origin of Dowry:

Different people have different theories why they pay their dowries, but here is what I believe to be the “real” reason why people pay dowry: AS A CONSOLATION PRICE (OR APPRECITION) TO THE FAMILY OF THE LADY FOR THE INVESTMENT THEY MADE WHILE RAISING THEIR DAUGHTER. Also, as a demonstration by the man that he has the resources to start a family (the lady wont starve).

But why did people feel the need to “console”/ “appreciate” the woman’s family. And why did men feel the need to show that they are “worthy” and that their wife won’t starve.

The short answer is this: POOR TRANSPORT AND COMMUNICATION INFRASTRUCTURE.

The long answer touches on the following:

• ·         Transport and communication technology.

• ·         Anatomy and physiology of women (Contraceptive technologies).

• ·         Specialization in the family

• ·         The need to breakaway and form once own “domain”.

1.       1. Transport and Communication technologies:

We can hate the “white man” all we want but the truth is that we didn’t even have bicycles before we were colonized. I guess were living in “paradise” and the PRESSURE to invent complex transport system did not exist. The weather in Kenya never really goes to extremes, and the most densely populated areas have natural food all year round – food growing by itself just stone-throws away from the front steps of the house. Must have been great! (But don’t even try to take me back there, I love my electricity!!!)

The reality is that our great grand parents lived in a society where the sole means of transportation were the human legs. Meaning that the average person probably never went further than a few kilometers from where they lived – mostly they walked for just a few hour to look for basic resources (just enough to be able to come back home in the evening). People lived 90% of their lives within a 10Km radius.

Fast forward to 2014. The Boeing 787 exists, and so does Airbus A380! The whole world is less than a day away.  I could go to Uganda and back in less time than my great grandmother took to fetch water for cooking breakfast! Amazing right?

What this mean in our context is that in the old times if someone relocated say 50Km, they would be very unlikely to go back where they came from. And as we all know, women usually relocate to men’s houses upon marriage (another tradition that needs to be looked into).

So, a man marries a woman and moves with her Kilometers away (people who live in close proximity were mostly relatives and thus not allowed to marry) making it impossible for the woman to visit her genetic family often. She had to move to a strange land where she had never been, and reconfigure her whole mind to a new reality in a place where she was a foreigner - with no immediate of hope of return.

This was very distressing to the woman and to the family that raised her. You see if you gave birth to a daughter, it was inevitable that she was going to be “taken” immediately her boobs showed up (seriously, women got married just immediately they got breasts and wide hips – teenage basically). I guess this is the reason that poor families never really bothered to “truly” invest in the education and development of girl children – they were inevitably going to be the “properties” of strangers living Kilometers away.

So dowry in this regard was a “refund” for any investments made during the upbringing of the girl child. The more investments made, the higher the “refund” demanded – and that is the reason there were complex negotiations that were aimed at trying to figure out the investment made by the parents of the child and THE ACTUAL VALUE OF THE WOMAN.

In addition to distance and transport difficulty there was the problem of lack of CONDOMS et al …

2.     2. Anatomy and physiology of women (Contraceptive technologies).

The moment the lady arrived in her new home there would be SEX galore. The husband would begin an almost ritual routine of fucking the woman senseless, daily. I use the word “fucking” (as opposed to “making love” or “conjugation” because the action was more like a sport/ required ritual than an emotional and “beautiful” act. The woman was required to scream, bleed ET c

The man was required to do this, or he would totally lose respect if he didn’t. The thing to not here (that we take for granted these days) is that THERE WERE NO CONDOMS. Ilikuwa nyama kwa nyama.

Needless to say most women got pregnant within 30days of arriving. And after they gave birth (and survived that highly hazardous process), it may have taken them perhaps 6 months (max) to recover. After which they were made pregnant again. And the wheels on the bus go round and round.

Women were basically pregnant throughout their lives!!! (WOMEN – BE THANKFUL THAT YOU LIVE IN 2014!). And many just died during child birth due to infections. (Basically it’s the reason women with roomy hips were favored by evolution – they tended to survive one birth after the other!).

This whole system made it even more difficult (near impossible) for women to travel back home regardless of circumstances. They were completely grounded in their new home.

3.       3. Specialization in the family

Everyone can’t do everything. We are all built little different. Women vs. Men even more so.

You see women not only have a womb, they also have breasts. Meaning that they not only carry children for nine months, but once the child is born it depends on the mother for everything in the first part of its existence.

This made it inevitable that women ended up as the people who had to stay in the house with the kids, make sure they were fed, and they didn’t get hurt as they learn about the world. The mothers were in charge of the children and the home in which the children lived.

This reality made it even more difficult (let’s just say “impossible”) for her to be able to leave her husband’s home for even a day to go and visit her original family.

Plus let’s just take a note that diapers did not exist for our great grandparents, and neither did tap water, gas cookers, or electricity. Try to imagine making breakfast under those conditions while have two young children constantly shitting themselves!!!

Point: WOMEN WERE TIED/ GROUNDED IN THE HOMES OF THEIR HUSBAND FOR LIFE.

4.       4. The need to breakaway and form once own “domain”

Finally there was the need for individuals to break away from their parent’s homes and form their own “domains”. This might have been partly due to self-esteem needs, over-crowding problems, and possibly other psychological, hygiene, and economic reasons. But basically the story went that once you hit a certain age, it was a disgrace to be staying with your parent.

Anyone who came back after leaving was a failure. So, again, women had no incentive to go back “home” once they left the nest – they were gone basically for good, and for all practical purposes FOREVER.

Dominance of Men: All these “crippling” factors together with the fact that men are generally physically stronger than women, meant that our great grandmothers were dealt a raw deal by nature. And as such they were doomed to live a life where they were inferior to the men who were basically their protectors and provider. Men, given that they are “operational” 24/7 could do whatever they wanted; operated at 100% every day of the year, fucked women left and right, engaged in fights, et c. Men were empowered and women were crippled.

But is this still the case in 2014???

Fast forward to 2014

We now have cars and tarmac roads, plus mobile phones and Skype/ Viber/ Mpesa/ Facebook, ET c. A married woman can go back and see her father everyday if she so wished!

She could also send her whole salary back “home” if she wished (which many women do). The men can easily be forced to provide for their wives and children, and watch helplessly as their wife Mpesa all her money back to her “original” family.

Women are no longer tied to their husband’s homes, thanks to transport and communication technologies.

Secondly, we have condoms in 2014. THIS MEANS THAT 99% OF SEX IN 2014 IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND NOT PROCREATION.

A woman could (and they do) choose to have sex everyday of her life, but only have one child. And this one child would be born in a hospital under very controlled and hygienic condition – sometimes even while she soundly slept.

The disadvantages of being a woman have basically disappeared thanks to the marvel of MODERN MEDICINE!!!

And as for specialization …. I can tell you first hand that women tend not to listen to what they are told by men. And especially not the 20 something year old women in Nairobi. Women do what they want, even compete with men (I know this from personal experience!). And it is written down in the LAW (which I totally agree with by the way).

A 2014 woman can go “hunt” come back with a kilo of meat, cook it and eat. All without ever differing to the supports and instructions of a man. The man is just an added bonus.

Truth be told, women could in theory exist and develop without men (apart from the occasional sexual intercourse), but men couldn’t possibly exist comfortably without women. You see men are not evolutionarily equipped to take care of the “home” which is where most of the action in 2014 is. And neither are they equipped to birth and take care of young children.

In 2014, the woman is actually in a more advantaged position than the man!!!

Warning: Don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I am not advocating a total rewrite of life, but a reevaluation of the realities in which we exist in relation to the relevance of our behaviors and traditions.

For example: Fucking indiscriminately is still a destructive behavior (psychologically), but the truth is that the consequences of fucking have largely changed. Same for movement, pain, disease, disabilities, knowledge, and power.

So, Dowry:

The need to show appreciation and provide the family of a girl with a “refund” no longer exists. The women can be in constant contact with their parents, like they never left – and the parents can directly benefit from their investments in the form of resources and emotional connection.

Also the need for a man to “show off” and “prove” that he is able to provide is considered to be a PETTY emotional gesture in 2014. All you have to do is “get a job” with a salary and show a pay slip … that’s it. That’s is all the proof that is needed to show ability.

All food is hunted from supermarkets, and all war is waged in office buildings. And both of these domains are accessible to women.

And as for the formation of one’s own “domain” … that is actually a stupid mirage/ illusion, and anyone with half a brain would see it. We may be independent individuals, but in 2014 our destinies are heavily intertwined with the destinies of those around us – most of whom happen to be our relatives. This is due to the increasing “complexity” of world brought about by enlightenment and technology; we can’t build our own houses, phones, electricity, food, clothes, ET c – We need one another to survive.

In 2014, food, clothing and shelter are not the only things to think about. There is also other things like electricity, internet, books, phone bills, insurance, and taxes ET c. All these never existed for our great grandparents.

DOWRY IS NOT ONLY OUTDATED, IT IS ALSO AN IRRELEVANT BURDEN/ RITUAL THAT NOW ONLY EXISTS TO DRAG THE SOCIETY BEHIND.

Keeping the dowry around would be dangerous/ harmful because:

1. It makes men feel entitled/ superior to women – after all, when you pay hard cash you are entitled to do whatever you want with your new acquisition.
2. It gives a dangerous entitlement mentality to parents of girls; where parent of women wait to get money they didn’t work for.
3. It shift the balance of power in a relationship and makes it impossible for women and men to truly be equal.

Dowry is then revealed for what it truly is: AN OUTDATED TRADITION THAT IS A DANGER TO A “CAPITALIST” SOCIETY AND A NATION THAT BELIEVES IN EQUALTY.